Thoughts of a Frozen Brain

After/during and during/after a miscarriage (since it's not really over yet), I have had so many weird thoughts and become so guarded because of them. I was guarded before, but now, it's a mix of Planning, Fear, and Resentment. Planning for what?  It's NOT ME not to be sure.  FEAR OF EVERYTHING. Don't ask me when my birthday is.  Ever.  I will roll my eyes into my head and hiss.

RESENTMENT - at myself, my Body. And also, that I didn't plan better in my late 20s and 30s.

I should've been preparing myself for Mr. Right, but I was still trying to find myself.  I realize that isn't the scenario everyone should follow or CAN follow, but my Russian Roulette of a mind says that's my shit.  I had a part I'm sure.

At present, I'm pretty much for sure done or fucked in a way.  I've thought about this - like this is the stuff that wakes me up early in the morning.  I'm 46.  (tears now... ... ...).  I'm being selfish wanting to continue to pursue this.  This is the most haunting thought that I have.  The one that makes me burst into tears and hate myself.  How fucked am I, really?  I think of why, all the time, do I want a child.

I want to see the joy of myself on another's face.
I want to see the joy of my husband's face on another's face.
I want to feel the spiritual connection of myself to another human being that I have never known.
I want to shape and encourage the life of someone who doesn't know their way.
I want to feel more joy as an individual.
I want to know what it feels like to be a parent.

I think of why I shouldn't be a parent too, and it hurts.  There are many good reasons.

What happens if I die?  If my child is without a parent at 14, 16, even 21?
At that age, although I was an only child with a single parent (my mom), I was WILD, didn't know shit, and WITHOUT HER as my anchor, without a solid family network it would have been worse.  I barely made it out as it is.

It's only with prayer that I made it.  (I know this to be true, but my logical mind feels embarrassed about admitting that prayer saved my life countless times.  I have no doubt.  It's why I made it out of Hollywood, went to USC, married a doctor, and live in a resort community.).  I literally crawled out of Hollywood, frequenting places like Boys & Girls Club late night, Barney's Beanery from where I almost disappeared.  All over Hollywood the same scenario.  I shouldn't be alive.  I shouldn't be here.

Prayer and the PEOPLE who prayed got me through the worst times ALL of my immature life to where I am now.  Now, I want it all.  Am I asking too much?  I have never deserved anything.

I can almost move on

Today, I started to miscarry.  I would normally go silent for a bunch of months, crawl back into my hole, but I need to remember this to appreciate the happiness I plan to feel one day - when my body is right and my mind is free from grief.

Work was a complete blast.  We're interviewing First Year Associates and I've been doing everything from my own work of writing assignments and insane litigation management to making airline and hotel reservations for college kids, guiding them through the firm to meet attorneys all day - all with a smile - while large clots run out of me, changing my pad every 40 minutes, and sharp cramps shoot from my anus and uterus while I hold my breath.  The shit we have to suck up to blend in while trying to get pregnant, to conceal all that goes right or wrong, is hideous.

I finally got a break to call my doc and picked up my prescription after work.  He prescribed Norco 5/325.  I took two and NOTHING - didn't even take the edge off the sharp pain, so I took one more two hours later and four Ibuprofrin.  I finally feel better.

In spite of all this, I still had one of the happiest days of my life during my brief term of pregnancy - 10 weeks, when you calculate the 6-day frozen embryo transfer and the two weeks automatically added in early pregnancy.  The elation of knowing I was carrying my own child was the closest I've ever felt to God.  I'm not ready to give up yet.

This weekend I'll start seeing a therapist to discuss donated eggs.  I don't know if I can take this path, and in fact wake up in the middle of the night terrified about the idea, but I'm more open now.  I can't keep going through this.

The pain of hope.

My scan sucked.  A really small gestational sac, a really small yolk sac, no baby.  By this time, people are seeing heartbeats. 

I asked the doc if this meant there was no baby (Obviously, there wasn't a baby onscreen, but of course, I'm totally illogical right now).  He answered by saying, "Let’s just check the HCG number again."  He's being nice, trying to let me down easy, but I left there knowing I was out.  My body just doesn't know it's not pregnant.

I had to go back to work, so cried in my car for 5 minutes, dried my tears and toughed it out.  The time went so slow.  On the one hand, I was totally miserable.  On the other hand, it's good I was busy.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  When I got home, the tears and agony hit me hard.  My heart is broken.  It’s been broken before and it’s broken again before even healing from the last time.  I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  My symptoms have dissipated between yesterday and today.  Seeing the ultrasound shocked me back into reality, where I am no longer taking seriously any of my symptoms.  I'm a moron.  

So I was seriously depressed today.  I took a pregnancy test on an E.P.T. Digital, the ones that say "pregnant," then I took a picture of it.  This woman's kind of scary.  My thoughts kept drifting to a faceless beautiful child, a combination of me and my husband, whom I will never meet.  A chill went up my belly and down my spine. Thank God I'm working.  I would've drank myself comatose if I'd been at home, and I don't even drink.

I sent my doctor's office a note about 1:00 pm, explaining that I'm waiting to miscarry, totally distraught, and asked if they could write me a doctor’s excuse for my class tonight.  When they got back to me, I was surprised to learn that my HCG level had risen to 4663.  I had been certain that it had stayed around 2000 or dropped.  It's all so crazy.  I have felt less pregnant than ever but my number's higher than ever.  "The doctor wants you to continue with your meds and come back for another ultrasound next week..."  I immediately felt guilty for my consumption during the day.

I ate nothing but crap all day thinking all hope was lost: four doughnuts, a Big Mac, large fries, and a strong cup of coffee.  I wanted to pound myself.  I even masturbated last night.  TMI but I haven’t had sex in six weeks now and seeing my ultrasound was enough to put me over the edge in every possible way.  Only God's grace can save us. We didn't see a baby.  There wasn't one.  So, do I continue to hold on to hope and have my heart broken over again next week?  Maybe  4663 and the pain of hope is all I have right now, it's all I may ever have of our baby.  

Surrender

Yesterday I spent all day on the computer looking for any iota of hope that I could carry this child.  I was emotionally worn out by bedtime - feelings of grief and fear gripped me, as well as the disappointment I would have to share with my husband that my numbers weren't good.  I went to bed sad.  Before waking, I had a dream I was talking to God and my baby.  I gave my baby to God and submitted to His will.  I felt that I really let go.  When I woke up, I had my hand on my belly and believed that she was still alive and I was talking to her, telling her she could stay, that we wanted her.  I don’t know everything that happened in my dream, but I was at peace when I woke up and had a great morning.  Hubby got me doughnuts again, just like yesterday.  I took my progesterone shot around 11:30 a.m.  Started feeling nauseous about 1pm, totally bloated after lunch at 3:00 p.m.  My uterus has felt heavy since I woke up but no bleeding.  On to another big week.

Sixth Beta - 7 weeks

My HCG  a week from last Friday (874) was a measly 2052.  Didn't even double in 96 hours, let alone 72 or 48.

I waited a week to test again because I had started a new job and didn't want to be a mess at work all week.  Now, I have the weekend to deal with my emotions.

They are thinking ectopic, but I have no pain, bleeding, or cramps, just pregnancy symptoms.  My nausea has become more pronounced in a week, but I'm no dummy.  I have to figure out how I will accept life without baby.

Fifth Beta - 874

874 is not good.  I started my sixth week yesterday.  It was already low but should've been at least 1600 today.  They gave me four days to increase (Monday it was 404) until this morning (Friday), so it's behind by one doubling and should be around 1600, even though that's still low.

It's heart wrenching to hear this news, but it's not over yet.

When I get news like this, I feel a chill come over me.  It's so scary.  Of course, I got the insensitive nurse again.  She has no idea she's being insensitive, just doing her job, but I kind of jumped on her.  When I picked up the phone, she announced herself, then says, "Your number didn't double, so the doctor wants you to come back again on Monday for more blood...  [I'm thinking ... HELLOooooo.  What the fuck's the number?]  She's going on and on with her insensitive monologue, asking me if I feel nauseous [to which I say, "Yes, I'm pregnant."].  She means violently nauseous.  Asked me if my shoulder hurt.  All this crap... but still ... no number.  I kind of jumped on her at that point, "What's the number please?"  She says, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's 874."  By her miserable tone of voice, I thought the number was 450 or something.  I said, "Well that's what people usually want to know first is the number.  They can pretty  much figure out whether it doubled or not," to which she agreed.

I got off the phone and immediately felt more nauseous than before her call, at which point I emailed her.  I told her to please not call anymore, just to send me the numbers by email - and only - the numbers, unless there were further instructions from the doctor.  I explained it was my hormones, which it is.  (I can't be mad at the poor woman because things aren't going my way.  It's really not okay.)  I wish this whole process didn't make me so crazy.  It's like I'm someone else and feel like my brain is on amphetamines and my body on opiates.  When the slightest change happens on Groundhog day, all hell breaks loose.

I really need to trust Him and should probably stay off of the computer until Monday.

22dp6dt (6 wks) - the day before beta no. 5

They offered me the job today.  Pretty amazing.  I don't know what God's doing in my life.  Tomorrow I go in for my fifth blood test at the clinic.  Not only that, my instructor cancelled our scheduled class for tonight, so I have the whole day to not study and do anything I want.  Totally what I needed.  Woo! Woo!

I'm excited about the job.  My life's been all about infertility for the past five years, was even fired from my former job for taking two days off to recover from IVF.  Soon, this chapter of my life will be over, whether I am successful at conceiving or whether I am not.

No symptoms again this morning.  A little heaviness in the uterus about 1pm. Ate like a pig around 4pm - double burger and a shake.  As I sat waiting for my shake and watching people through the glass of the ice cream shop, I realized that this is one of the happiest days of my life.

21dp6dt - 5 weeks, 6 days

My fifth beta is on Friday, so my relief over the 404 number on Monday is morphing into a little paranoia and worry as Friday gets closer.  I've been doing way too much searching online for bullshit. It's like I have to read every story that's remotely similar to mine only to make myself crazier.  I haven't felt this out of control since the last time I did IVF.  In fact, I've been crazy each and every time I've done this.

Today, for example - really, every day - I wake up not feeling pregnant.  Little to no sore boobs, no nausea, and an almost flat stomach and midsection.  Every day about 5:00 p.m., nausea sets in, I'm tired, a little irritable, and confused about what to eat for dinner.  I will swear when I wake up that something's wrong, and I'll probably do it again tomorrow.

It's really just the numbers that have me messed up.  I feel like my doctor is having conversations with the nurses about what he thinks but hasn't called me because he doubts it's going to work out.  At the same time, I'm afraid to call him and hear doubt in his voice so feel I'm better off waiting around like everybody else.

Beta Result No. 4 - Number a little more than doubled again but still low

HCG today was 404.  P2 about 55.  Happy and freaked out. I keep thinking the number rising is going to make me feel better.  I feel relief for a split second then worried about the number all over again.  It's not unheard of that my numbers are low, but I'm so high risk that the numbers are a huge issue.  I quote the youngest nurse, "Doctor said we will be monitoring you VERY closely."  It's all about making it to an ultrasound with a heartbeat.  My eggs were age 44 when they were frozen, and I'm 46 now.

For a person who's losing her mind, I'm okay.  I’d like to talk to the doctor, but I’m afraid.  Yet, I don’t care for Nurse Ellen because she sounds so detached - like one of those nasally wenches who knows she has the power to break you with the most subtle change in her tone of voice.  Today, she sounded so disinterested, when we both know this is a promising development, considering my case.  Her personality just comes off phony.  I know I shouldn't judge her, but she gets under my skin.  I feel small when she calls me.  I don't feel small when anyone else from the office calls me.  Maybe she's going through something hideous in her own life and that's the best she can do.  I must accept that I’m self-obsessed right now and try to go easy on people.  God’s in charge.  I also recognize that I'm interchangeably nuts one minute and spiritual the next, which is the best I can do.


My symptoms today are more nausea earlier in the day. My chest size has gone from 36.5 to 39 in three weeks.  My eyes are tired, and I have a slight headache and general annoyance by how hot my body feels.  Laughter keeps me sane.  I watch a lot of America's Dumbest Criminals and Tosh.0 (who's an asshole but funny at times). I was told by my acupuncturist not to watch anything violent.  So far, I've done everything she's said.

Beta Result No. 3

My number today was 110.  I'm in shock.  I was sure I'd be getting news of a decline and sent to that crazy head space between hell and super hell, but it more than doubled again.  On the one hand, I want to talk to my doctor and ask him all kinds of hypotheticals; on the other, I don't want to know.  I'm too afraid of the crash.

My symptoms this morning were zilch.  My boobs, which were hurting a little bit a few days ago, are back to normal, just slightly bigger.  No symptoms at all.  My stomach even seemed flatter.  So, first morning urine, I took a pregnancy test to confirm a darker line, meaning more HCG.  The damn thing came back lighter than the day before and I was a total headcase heading into the doctor's office.  You can't trust those things!  Two days ago I tested negative on an e.p.t. due to diluted urine.  It literally said, "Not pregnant."  WTF?  It's probably best I stay away from those, esp. in my situation.

What I really want to know is if a pregnancy that starts off as slow as mine is viable?  What do HCG numbers really mean if it only matters if the number doubles?  Is that true?  I just don't get it.  Being as old as I am makes all of this a thriller where you already know the ending.  

I was told today that I need a really big God.  Honestly, I don't doubt that my God is big.  In fact, I know He's there and am embarrassed by how crazy He knows I am.  He's gotten me through many miserable times in my life, yet I think I've talked to him more these past few days than I ever have.  My spiritual foundation is so fragile because I'm so selfish.

Immediately after my beta this morning, I also had a job interview.  That I'd even have an interview, let alone a mile from my house, is a shock.  I've been looking for almost a year.  I live in a small California town where there aren't many positions for what I do, so to have an interview this morning - on another crucial day in this journey - is just weird to me.  And it went very well.  I asked God, "So are you giving me a job instead of a baby, is that what's going on?"  Only He knows.

So today, I thank God by getting on my knees and praising Him for giving me a few more days with my little bean.  I'd get on my knees for that any day.  I've gotten on my knees for much less.  I'll also honor my household and both my husbands's and my spirit by baking an apple pie from scratch. Granny Smith, Fuji, Janigold, handmade crust.  I'll bake pie and appreciate the aroma that fills our home.  I'll appreciate my doggie who's always there with a snuggle and a kiss. I am happy.

14dp6dt - Beta Result No. 2

(This post is actually from the evening of February 5th; I forgot to publish it)  Today it was 30 HCG, so a little more than double.  Trying to get out of God's way and not think about it on the days in between betas.  Trying to meditate on the beautiful things I see around me.

I'm growing snow peas.  I realize now that I didn't plant enough of them.  I also have an asparagus bed, cilantro, green onions, artichoke, cucumber, carrots, lemongrass, lemons, roses, tomatoes ...  I have a good place to chill out in my head and get close to God at the same time.  I believe in God, but I'm a control freak and very self-centered, which is why I get in His way all of the time.

I still stand by my first post about Progesterone hell though.  If my beta was 12 the day I tested positive, all my symptoms -- namely, the "empty stomach feeling" had to come from progesterone.  This feeling is still around but not nearly as prominent.

Symptoms now:  barely sore breasts, a bit of watery mouth, uterine cramps, a couple of sharp pains on my left side, and a lack of appetite or nothing strongly appealing to me.  Nothing's really satisfying once I eat it either.  I had my favorite thing today - a vanilla malt with salted caramel and toasted marshmallows, but it didn't hit the spot.  It always hits the spot!  The only thing I really crave is apple pie from scratch, which takes me four hours to make. Maybe I'll celebrate our doubled beta by making an apple pie tomorrow or the next good beta.

On my last miscarriage, my first number was 38.7 and the next was 66, so it didn't double.  I use that as a comparison.  But just because it doubles doesn't mean it's viable.  It all depends on whether we see a heart beat should we make it to our our first scan.  I'm preparing myself while trying to remain calm and have faith.

The Acupuncturist

Spoke to Dr. Lee this morning.  For some reason, she didn't understand from my last call that I told her I was pregnant.  (Who am I kidding, she barely speaks English!)  She was a medical doctor in China, but is retired and practices Chinese medicine -- acupuncture and herbs -- on referral clients only .  She says she doesn't need the money but just does it to help people, especially women trying to get pregnant.  I really like her.  She only charges $40 for Acupuncture and $30 for an initial consultation, then you have all these bozos charging $80 - $150 for family planning acupuncture who don't really get it.  They have training but fake soul - not so with Dr. Lee.  She tells you things like, "Pray, touch your tummy and talk to your baby, tell them you're ready, eat A LOT, anything that you want (except caffeine or too much chocolate), keep your feet warm, NO SEX, and do not lift anything!  She's big on that last one, especially for me because, by the way, I'm 46. Although, I was doing Crossfit for six months leading up to the transfer, so I wouldn't give a single thought to lifting groceries or vacuum cleaners, but she says, NO WAY.  Can you believe that?  I'm going to play it safe and do what she says.

Our embryo was frozen at Cornell on my last cycle there in June 2012, two weeks after my 44th birthday, flown to California in October 2013, thawed, and transferred on January 23, 2014.  Chances are slim I'll make it, but if I do I it will be God's grace, and I will never doubt His power or attention to detail again.  If I don't, I'll still believe in God, but my faith will have been tested, it will be extremely painful, and I will have to trust that God knows best.

Dr. Lee says that because of my age I shouldn't even leave the house or work in my garden, that I shouldn't take any chances at all.  In China, she says, "We have pregnant women lay in bed for the first three months.  We serve her."  I could get used to that.  The problem is that my husband's a doctor and very busy, so he can't serve me to that extent and I can't tell anyone until we get past the beta challenge.

Dr. Lee says that she doesn't want to do acupuncture on me right now and the current vitamins I'm taking serve the same purpose as any herbs that might keep the baby growing.  Her services are best used before the embryo goes in, she says.  I trust her.

Every morning after my warm water - and sometimes at night -  I drink a 16 oz. shake made from blackberries, raspberries, pineapple, yogurt, mango, almonds and spinach, ground inside my Nutriblast.  She thinks this is great but also wants me to eat beef two times per week and solid vegetables with dinner.  I don't really like veggies, besides asparagus.  I love watching it grow.  There's something about gardening that makes you feel that God's right there.  As I said in a prior posts, I should've planted more snow peas.  I only have one plant, which right now has only about six pods on it.

These are my tests today.  The Dollar Tree tests are great (New Choice).  They will pick up 25 mIU/ml HCG.  The E.P.T. Early Pregnancy Test is okay.  It's supposed to pick up 25 but yesterday it was negative and today it's positive, so I'm not sure.  It might've been my diluted urine, but from what I've read online, women don't think it's that reliable and often gives false negatives.  I won't buy anymore of these.  I'm trying to stop testing my urine at all and just have faith in God and talk to my little bean.

12dp6dt - My first number

I didn't have the courage to listen to the message alone so waited until almost midnight to listen to it with my husband.  That nasally nurse's voice filled with pity delivered the news "Positive, but it's a low number so we have to be cautiously optimistic."  Then she mumbled "12".  I about stopped breathing.   Wish the doctor had called.  I've never even met that nurse. We're not officially out yet but get to suffer a little longer until we are.

Waiting for Beta - FET12dp6dt

This is the hardest part.  I gave blood at 8:00 a.m. and now I wait.

I feel that I should intuitively know if there's another soul growing inside of me but I don't feel that.  Also, no discharge or implantation bleeding like before.  Even though that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, it was a sure sign something real was happening.

I asked the nurse to leave me a message with the results because I have no plans to pick up my phone.  Total wuss!  Who have I become?  It's too painful for me to hear, "Negative" one more time, knowing it's our last chance for a child of our own, that's who.

The Day Before Beta - FET 11dp6dt

We implanted two thawed embryos we'd had sent from our last cycle at Cornell - both 3BB.  One of them changed to 3AB during thaw.  This was our final attempt.  (I'm writing this at 2:00 a.m. on 12dp6dt.)

Being the night before beta, I've entered that crazy stage of fear and loathing.

I want to share what has happened to my body these past 11 days and why I think you should not, no matter what, read into your body's symptoms if you're taking supplemental progesterone.

PROGESTERONE IS EVIL TO THE IVFer.  I am on 1(cc)  mornings, plus 200 mg suppository evenings.  I have felt viciously pregnant.  Most notably, an "empty stomach" feeling - not to be confused with nausea, but a fucking empty stomach feeling.  Who gets that?  Actually, what the fuck is that?  It's been so consistent and weird, I stopped Googling "nausea" and Googled "empty stomach feeling" and found that pregnant women have this shit but haven't found anyone on the tww boards that's had it and I've searched my ass off.

Every day for the past four days I've had this fucking symptom that doesn't mean jack shit!  Sorry, but I must vent or lose my mind and "fucking" is the only adjective that helps me come to terms with my loss at the moment.

Along with the empty stomach feeling that makes me feel unsatisfied and not craving anything no matter what I eat and gets worse toward the evening,  I've also got a watery mouth.  When did that become a fucking progesterone side effect?  I know, I know.  I haven't done beta yet, but there's no awareness of a baby growing inside of me and I'm very in tune with my body.  Other than very scant spotting from the suppository, I've had no implantation bleeding, which I had on my past two miscarriages.  The TP has been stark white for three days now.  I'm destroyed.

The part that really fucks with my mind is I wake up feeling great - clear and normal throughout my body.  This immediately worries me.  I spend all day thinking it's over, while trying desperately to distract my thoughts.  Then at night I get these hideous symptoms of empty stomach, watery mouth, no appetite or "nothing sounds good", sometimes cramping.  Breast tenderness I expect, but these other symptoms are apparently  unique to me because people don't report them on the two week wait.

This post is to prove that you cannot trust your thoughts and feelings when your'e on this shit.  It can do anything to your body and you can think for sure that you're pregnant when you are not.

People who post their tww symptoms after an IVF or FET are not feeling pregnancy symptoms yet; they're feeling side effects of progesterone in addition to other IVF drugs.  You will be misled by most of them.  The only symptom that holds any weight during the tww is implantation bleeding, but even that's shaky because of fucking progesterone.  A suppository can irritate the cervix and be misread for implantation spotting; this happened to me on a prior cycle.  I am so angry at being manipulated by this drug and it having control over me.

So, here is my diary of symptoms, Mizz Fuckhead (being me), for those of you who want to know anyway:

1/23

1dp6dt – nothing.  Constipation and a couple of sharp pains on the left side that I’ve had many times before when on progesterone.

1/24

2dp6dt – nothing.  A couple of sharp pains on the left and possibly right side that I’ve had many times before when on progesterone.  Emptied bowels with a little effort.

1/25

3dp6dt – saw acupuncturist.  She said it wasn’t logical to do acupuncture - since I haven't gone at all leading up to this transfer - but gave me loads of advice:  stay warm, nothing open exposing belly, talk to my baby, pray, meditate in a chair with palms up, lightly rub my tummy, drink 10 oz warm water first thing every morning, eat beef 2x week, cooked spinach good for baby, do not lift anything over 10 pounds, even groceries, no gardening. [PROBABLY THE BEST ADVICE which I followed most days, but I should have prayed and mediated more.]
1/26

4dp6dt – no symptoms at all.  After my fruit shake, wasn’t hungry rest of day, unusual considering I used nothing to control my appetite.  Went on a mad mission to make G happy on his birthday, since I’d failed miserably the day before.  I finished his chocolate cake, made him an apple pie and cooked a delicious chicken and rice recipe.  He devoured the meal, said it was really good twice and thought it should be added to our weekly menu.  I stressed myself with the dinner, but it’s not like I’m pregnant anyway.  I feel nothing like the way I did on the cycle where I got pregnant.  I had a bunch of cramps on that cycle.  This cycle, absolutely nothing.

1/27

5dp6dt – same, no symptoms. 

1/28

6dp5dt – no symptoms except the progesterone.  Boobs are hurting more inside than out, like there are rocks in there, leftover stinging sensation when I press on them, but otherwise they’re normal, no sensitive nipple pain or intense breast pain like people talk about.  Dreamt about A.  Weird.  Dreamt his wife was pregnant and I was invited over to meet the baby and that I had a kid with me whom he met after that.  Think that's how it went.

1/29

7dp6dt –Mild, persistent cramps all day.  Felt dizzy and nauseous towards the evening, almost like I was on something.  My head feels spacey.  Progesterone!  Had some clear, slippery EWCM when I wiped in the late afternoon, which I don’t even find when I’m ovulating.  It’s not something I’ve seen on the TWW before, so I examined it closely.  It wasn’t the suppository – it had the consistency of a runny nose.  I read that it could be from the estrogen I’m taking.  My dose is .5cc every Monday and Friday.  Today is Wednesday.  It could be from the estrogen but haven’t seen this on other cycles. That’s how I start to get nutty on the TWW, when shit like this starts happening.  Every cycle’s been different.  I was sure I was pregnant last cycle – had all the symptoms – esp. nausea and vertigo, but test was negative so it was only the progesterone.  You’d think it would show its true nature right away but in my case it waits until I’ve been on it at least two weeks to start doing new things to me that totally fuck with my head.

1/30

8dp6dt - Positive affirmations please.  Bad constipation.  No cramping today.  I tested the progesterone effects for cramps by really paying attention whether I started cramping soon after taking the shot.  I fully expected to start cramping, but I didn’t all day.  I got a little bit of the EWCM on the TP again.  This time I went a bit further in with TP to see if more came out but only a little and a scant brown spotting.  I do mean scant.  So, again, progesterone suppositories could easily be causing scant spotting due to an irritated cervix.  Can’t explain the EWCM though.  Studied for class.  Ate too much of G's apple pie with ice cream again.  Wasn’t really hungry but ate anyway.  Had watery mouth.  Also more saliva in my mouth yesterday but ignored it.  Today it was definitely more in the evening.  There’s a weird nausea feeling that’s not quite nausea, like my stomach’s empty even after I eat or drink something.  Again, the evil progesterone makes me crazy. 

1/31

9dp6dt – woke up hot.  Had the nagging dry, empty stomach feeling.  Took Prog and Estrogen shots at 10:40 a.m.  It’s 3:30 p.m.  No cramps so far.  Fell asleep about an hour after I took my daily 1cc progesterone.  Had brief cramps in both feet later in the day.  Felt stranger as the day progressed.  Kept eating to treat the empty stomach feeling but wasn’t really hungry.  At about 10pm, and before I took the suppository, the uterine cramps started again.  No spotting.  Heavy uterine feeling the rest of the night.

2/1

10dp6dt – Feel good today.  The empty stomach feeling has gotten better but still there.  Uterus still feels heavy.  I feel more symptoms after 5:00 p.m. than I do in the morning or all day.  I’d think the concentration of progesterone would be higher in the early afternoon, not long after I take the shot, but that’s not how my body’s been acting.  Took shot at 10:50 a.m. and will monitor again if any of my symptoms increase within next three hours. 

At noon, I went to snack on some Contadina chips and guac that I purchased from the market.  Sometimes I gag on avocados even though I love them, but I don’t remember ever throwing them up.  This wave of stomach nausea came over me and I vomited every last bit into the sink.  I’m sure it’s just the progesterone.

2/2

11dp6dt – nothing really.  I think I’ve been imagining things.  My boobs are not even sore anymore.  They haven’t been that sore all along but just gotten slightly bigger. 

Went to the Superbowl party.  Thoroughly enjoyed Bruno Mars.  He had all us girls in a tizzy.  Wasn’t hungry but ate anyway.

Tonight having the same progesterone issues – except some nausea, light cramping, and that totally fucking strange empty stomach feeling.

(I don't usually curse like this, but just like so many others this is my personal pain at the moment.)

I was fired in July for taking two days' bed rest ordered by my physician after transfer. I hadn't known I'd need two days' rest so hadn't made arrangements.  However, this doctor was very serious about the resting and since my IVFs had all failed before I didn't argue.  I called my boss from the clinic to explain that I'd had some issues after surgery and needed two days off to recover.  They said okay but fired me when I returned two days later.  I'd never been fired before, and on all the progesterone and hormones from IVF, I took it hard.  That stupid job was the only thing keeping me from going to that dark place that I feel looms now.  

I've had five IVFs and one FET now.  One miscarriage.  No baby.  Anything I write after this will be me trying to pick up the pieces to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.