Beta Result No. 3

My number today was 110.  I'm in shock.  I was sure I'd be getting news of a decline and sent to that crazy head space between hell and super hell, but it more than doubled again.  On the one hand, I want to talk to my doctor and ask him all kinds of hypotheticals; on the other, I don't want to know.  I'm too afraid of the crash.

My symptoms this morning were zilch.  My boobs, which were hurting a little bit a few days ago, are back to normal, just slightly bigger.  No symptoms at all.  My stomach even seemed flatter.  So, first morning urine, I took a pregnancy test to confirm a darker line, meaning more HCG.  The damn thing came back lighter than the day before and I was a total headcase heading into the doctor's office.  You can't trust those things!  Two days ago I tested negative on an e.p.t. due to diluted urine.  It literally said, "Not pregnant."  WTF?  It's probably best I stay away from those, esp. in my situation.

What I really want to know is if a pregnancy that starts off as slow as mine is viable?  What do HCG numbers really mean if it only matters if the number doubles?  Is that true?  I just don't get it.  Being as old as I am makes all of this a thriller where you already know the ending.  

I was told today that I need a really big God.  Honestly, I don't doubt that my God is big.  In fact, I know He's there and am embarrassed by how crazy He knows I am.  He's gotten me through many miserable times in my life, yet I think I've talked to him more these past few days than I ever have.  My spiritual foundation is so fragile because I'm so selfish.

Immediately after my beta this morning, I also had a job interview.  That I'd even have an interview, let alone a mile from my house, is a shock.  I've been looking for almost a year.  I live in a small California town where there aren't many positions for what I do, so to have an interview this morning - on another crucial day in this journey - is just weird to me.  And it went very well.  I asked God, "So are you giving me a job instead of a baby, is that what's going on?"  Only He knows.

So today, I thank God by getting on my knees and praising Him for giving me a few more days with my little bean.  I'd get on my knees for that any day.  I've gotten on my knees for much less.  I'll also honor my household and both my husbands's and my spirit by baking an apple pie from scratch. Granny Smith, Fuji, Janigold, handmade crust.  I'll bake pie and appreciate the aroma that fills our home.  I'll appreciate my doggie who's always there with a snuggle and a kiss. I am happy.