The pain of hope.

My scan sucked.  A really small gestational sac, a really small yolk sac, no baby.  By this time, people are seeing heartbeats. 

I asked the doc if this meant there was no baby (Obviously, there wasn't a baby onscreen, but of course, I'm totally illogical right now).  He answered by saying, "Let’s just check the HCG number again."  He's being nice, trying to let me down easy, but I left there knowing I was out.  My body just doesn't know it's not pregnant.

I had to go back to work, so cried in my car for 5 minutes, dried my tears and toughed it out.  The time went so slow.  On the one hand, I was totally miserable.  On the other hand, it's good I was busy.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  When I got home, the tears and agony hit me hard.  My heart is broken.  It’s been broken before and it’s broken again before even healing from the last time.  I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  My symptoms have dissipated between yesterday and today.  Seeing the ultrasound shocked me back into reality, where I am no longer taking seriously any of my symptoms.  I'm a moron.  

So I was seriously depressed today.  I took a pregnancy test on an E.P.T. Digital, the ones that say "pregnant," then I took a picture of it.  This woman's kind of scary.  My thoughts kept drifting to a faceless beautiful child, a combination of me and my husband, whom I will never meet.  A chill went up my belly and down my spine. Thank God I'm working.  I would've drank myself comatose if I'd been at home, and I don't even drink.

I sent my doctor's office a note about 1:00 pm, explaining that I'm waiting to miscarry, totally distraught, and asked if they could write me a doctor’s excuse for my class tonight.  When they got back to me, I was surprised to learn that my HCG level had risen to 4663.  I had been certain that it had stayed around 2000 or dropped.  It's all so crazy.  I have felt less pregnant than ever but my number's higher than ever.  "The doctor wants you to continue with your meds and come back for another ultrasound next week..."  I immediately felt guilty for my consumption during the day.

I ate nothing but crap all day thinking all hope was lost: four doughnuts, a Big Mac, large fries, and a strong cup of coffee.  I wanted to pound myself.  I even masturbated last night.  TMI but I haven’t had sex in six weeks now and seeing my ultrasound was enough to put me over the edge in every possible way.  Only God's grace can save us. We didn't see a baby.  There wasn't one.  So, do I continue to hold on to hope and have my heart broken over again next week?  Maybe  4663 and the pain of hope is all I have right now, it's all I may ever have of our baby.