I can almost move on

Today, I started to miscarry.  I would normally go silent for a bunch of months, crawl back into my hole, but I need to remember this to appreciate the happiness I plan to feel one day - when my body is right and my mind is free from grief.

Work was a complete blast.  We're interviewing First Year Associates and I've been doing everything from my own work of writing assignments and insane litigation management to making airline and hotel reservations for college kids, guiding them through the firm to meet attorneys all day - all with a smile - while large clots run out of me, changing my pad every 40 minutes, and sharp cramps shoot from my anus and uterus while I hold my breath.  The shit we have to suck up to blend in while trying to get pregnant, to conceal all that goes right or wrong, is hideous.

I finally got a break to call my doc and picked up my prescription after work.  He prescribed Norco 5/325.  I took two and NOTHING - didn't even take the edge off the sharp pain, so I took one more two hours later and four Ibuprofrin.  I finally feel better.

In spite of all this, I still had one of the happiest days of my life during my brief term of pregnancy - 10 weeks, when you calculate the 6-day frozen embryo transfer and the two weeks automatically added in early pregnancy.  The elation of knowing I was carrying my own child was the closest I've ever felt to God.  I'm not ready to give up yet.

This weekend I'll start seeing a therapist to discuss donated eggs.  I don't know if I can take this path, and in fact wake up in the middle of the night terrified about the idea, but I'm more open now.  I can't keep going through this.