Thoughts of a Frozen Brain

After/during and during/after a miscarriage (since it's not really over yet), I have had so many weird thoughts and become so guarded because of them. I was guarded before, but now, it's a mix of Planning, Fear, and Resentment. Planning for what?  It's NOT ME not to be sure.  FEAR OF EVERYTHING. Don't ask me when my birthday is.  Ever.  I will roll my eyes into my head and hiss.

RESENTMENT - at myself, my Body. And also, that I didn't plan better in my late 20s and 30s.

I should've been preparing myself for Mr. Right, but I was still trying to find myself.  I realize that isn't the scenario everyone should follow or CAN follow, but my Russian Roulette of a mind says that's my shit.  I had a part I'm sure.

At present, I'm pretty much for sure done or fucked in a way.  I've thought about this - like this is the stuff that wakes me up early in the morning.  I'm 46.  (tears now... ... ...).  I'm being selfish wanting to continue to pursue this.  This is the most haunting thought that I have.  The one that makes me burst into tears and hate myself.  How fucked am I, really?  I think of why, all the time, do I want a child.

I want to see the joy of myself on another's face.
I want to see the joy of my husband's face on another's face.
I want to feel the spiritual connection of myself to another human being that I have never known.
I want to shape and encourage the life of someone who doesn't know their way.
I want to feel more joy as an individual.
I want to know what it feels like to be a parent.

I think of why I shouldn't be a parent too, and it hurts.  There are many good reasons.

What happens if I die?  If my child is without a parent at 14, 16, even 21?
At that age, although I was an only child with a single parent (my mom), I was WILD, didn't know shit, and WITHOUT HER as my anchor, without a solid family network it would have been worse.  I barely made it out as it is.

It's only with prayer that I made it.  (I know this to be true, but my logical mind feels embarrassed about admitting that prayer saved my life countless times.  I have no doubt.  It's why I made it out of Hollywood, went to USC, married a doctor, and live in a resort community.).  I literally crawled out of Hollywood, frequenting places like Boys & Girls Club late night, Barney's Beanery from where I almost disappeared.  All over Hollywood the same scenario.  I shouldn't be alive.  I shouldn't be here.

Prayer and the PEOPLE who prayed got me through the worst times ALL of my immature life to where I am now.  Now, I want it all.  Am I asking too much?  I have never deserved anything.