The Day Before Beta - FET 11dp6dt

We implanted two thawed embryos we'd had sent from our last cycle at Cornell - both 3BB.  One of them changed to 3AB during thaw.  This was our final attempt.  (I'm writing this at 2:00 a.m. on 12dp6dt.)

Being the night before beta, I've entered that crazy stage of fear and loathing.

I want to share what has happened to my body these past 11 days and why I think you should not, no matter what, read into your body's symptoms if you're taking supplemental progesterone.

PROGESTERONE IS EVIL TO THE IVFer.  I am on 1(cc)  mornings, plus 200 mg suppository evenings.  I have felt viciously pregnant.  Most notably, an "empty stomach" feeling - not to be confused with nausea, but a fucking empty stomach feeling.  Who gets that?  Actually, what the fuck is that?  It's been so consistent and weird, I stopped Googling "nausea" and Googled "empty stomach feeling" and found that pregnant women have this shit but haven't found anyone on the tww boards that's had it and I've searched my ass off.

Every day for the past four days I've had this fucking symptom that doesn't mean jack shit!  Sorry, but I must vent or lose my mind and "fucking" is the only adjective that helps me come to terms with my loss at the moment.

Along with the empty stomach feeling that makes me feel unsatisfied and not craving anything no matter what I eat and gets worse toward the evening,  I've also got a watery mouth.  When did that become a fucking progesterone side effect?  I know, I know.  I haven't done beta yet, but there's no awareness of a baby growing inside of me and I'm very in tune with my body.  Other than very scant spotting from the suppository, I've had no implantation bleeding, which I had on my past two miscarriages.  The TP has been stark white for three days now.  I'm destroyed.

The part that really fucks with my mind is I wake up feeling great - clear and normal throughout my body.  This immediately worries me.  I spend all day thinking it's over, while trying desperately to distract my thoughts.  Then at night I get these hideous symptoms of empty stomach, watery mouth, no appetite or "nothing sounds good", sometimes cramping.  Breast tenderness I expect, but these other symptoms are apparently  unique to me because people don't report them on the two week wait.

This post is to prove that you cannot trust your thoughts and feelings when your'e on this shit.  It can do anything to your body and you can think for sure that you're pregnant when you are not.

People who post their tww symptoms after an IVF or FET are not feeling pregnancy symptoms yet; they're feeling side effects of progesterone in addition to other IVF drugs.  You will be misled by most of them.  The only symptom that holds any weight during the tww is implantation bleeding, but even that's shaky because of fucking progesterone.  A suppository can irritate the cervix and be misread for implantation spotting; this happened to me on a prior cycle.  I am so angry at being manipulated by this drug and it having control over me.

So, here is my diary of symptoms, Mizz Fuckhead (being me), for those of you who want to know anyway:

1/23

1dp6dt – nothing.  Constipation and a couple of sharp pains on the left side that I’ve had many times before when on progesterone.

1/24

2dp6dt – nothing.  A couple of sharp pains on the left and possibly right side that I’ve had many times before when on progesterone.  Emptied bowels with a little effort.

1/25

3dp6dt – saw acupuncturist.  She said it wasn’t logical to do acupuncture - since I haven't gone at all leading up to this transfer - but gave me loads of advice:  stay warm, nothing open exposing belly, talk to my baby, pray, meditate in a chair with palms up, lightly rub my tummy, drink 10 oz warm water first thing every morning, eat beef 2x week, cooked spinach good for baby, do not lift anything over 10 pounds, even groceries, no gardening. [PROBABLY THE BEST ADVICE which I followed most days, but I should have prayed and mediated more.]
1/26

4dp6dt – no symptoms at all.  After my fruit shake, wasn’t hungry rest of day, unusual considering I used nothing to control my appetite.  Went on a mad mission to make G happy on his birthday, since I’d failed miserably the day before.  I finished his chocolate cake, made him an apple pie and cooked a delicious chicken and rice recipe.  He devoured the meal, said it was really good twice and thought it should be added to our weekly menu.  I stressed myself with the dinner, but it’s not like I’m pregnant anyway.  I feel nothing like the way I did on the cycle where I got pregnant.  I had a bunch of cramps on that cycle.  This cycle, absolutely nothing.

1/27

5dp6dt – same, no symptoms. 

1/28

6dp5dt – no symptoms except the progesterone.  Boobs are hurting more inside than out, like there are rocks in there, leftover stinging sensation when I press on them, but otherwise they’re normal, no sensitive nipple pain or intense breast pain like people talk about.  Dreamt about A.  Weird.  Dreamt his wife was pregnant and I was invited over to meet the baby and that I had a kid with me whom he met after that.  Think that's how it went.

1/29

7dp6dt –Mild, persistent cramps all day.  Felt dizzy and nauseous towards the evening, almost like I was on something.  My head feels spacey.  Progesterone!  Had some clear, slippery EWCM when I wiped in the late afternoon, which I don’t even find when I’m ovulating.  It’s not something I’ve seen on the TWW before, so I examined it closely.  It wasn’t the suppository – it had the consistency of a runny nose.  I read that it could be from the estrogen I’m taking.  My dose is .5cc every Monday and Friday.  Today is Wednesday.  It could be from the estrogen but haven’t seen this on other cycles. That’s how I start to get nutty on the TWW, when shit like this starts happening.  Every cycle’s been different.  I was sure I was pregnant last cycle – had all the symptoms – esp. nausea and vertigo, but test was negative so it was only the progesterone.  You’d think it would show its true nature right away but in my case it waits until I’ve been on it at least two weeks to start doing new things to me that totally fuck with my head.

1/30

8dp6dt - Positive affirmations please.  Bad constipation.  No cramping today.  I tested the progesterone effects for cramps by really paying attention whether I started cramping soon after taking the shot.  I fully expected to start cramping, but I didn’t all day.  I got a little bit of the EWCM on the TP again.  This time I went a bit further in with TP to see if more came out but only a little and a scant brown spotting.  I do mean scant.  So, again, progesterone suppositories could easily be causing scant spotting due to an irritated cervix.  Can’t explain the EWCM though.  Studied for class.  Ate too much of G's apple pie with ice cream again.  Wasn’t really hungry but ate anyway.  Had watery mouth.  Also more saliva in my mouth yesterday but ignored it.  Today it was definitely more in the evening.  There’s a weird nausea feeling that’s not quite nausea, like my stomach’s empty even after I eat or drink something.  Again, the evil progesterone makes me crazy. 

1/31

9dp6dt – woke up hot.  Had the nagging dry, empty stomach feeling.  Took Prog and Estrogen shots at 10:40 a.m.  It’s 3:30 p.m.  No cramps so far.  Fell asleep about an hour after I took my daily 1cc progesterone.  Had brief cramps in both feet later in the day.  Felt stranger as the day progressed.  Kept eating to treat the empty stomach feeling but wasn’t really hungry.  At about 10pm, and before I took the suppository, the uterine cramps started again.  No spotting.  Heavy uterine feeling the rest of the night.

2/1

10dp6dt – Feel good today.  The empty stomach feeling has gotten better but still there.  Uterus still feels heavy.  I feel more symptoms after 5:00 p.m. than I do in the morning or all day.  I’d think the concentration of progesterone would be higher in the early afternoon, not long after I take the shot, but that’s not how my body’s been acting.  Took shot at 10:50 a.m. and will monitor again if any of my symptoms increase within next three hours. 

At noon, I went to snack on some Contadina chips and guac that I purchased from the market.  Sometimes I gag on avocados even though I love them, but I don’t remember ever throwing them up.  This wave of stomach nausea came over me and I vomited every last bit into the sink.  I’m sure it’s just the progesterone.

2/2

11dp6dt – nothing really.  I think I’ve been imagining things.  My boobs are not even sore anymore.  They haven’t been that sore all along but just gotten slightly bigger. 

Went to the Superbowl party.  Thoroughly enjoyed Bruno Mars.  He had all us girls in a tizzy.  Wasn’t hungry but ate anyway.

Tonight having the same progesterone issues – except some nausea, light cramping, and that totally fucking strange empty stomach feeling.

(I don't usually curse like this, but just like so many others this is my personal pain at the moment.)

I was fired in July for taking two days' bed rest ordered by my physician after transfer. I hadn't known I'd need two days' rest so hadn't made arrangements.  However, this doctor was very serious about the resting and since my IVFs had all failed before I didn't argue.  I called my boss from the clinic to explain that I'd had some issues after surgery and needed two days off to recover.  They said okay but fired me when I returned two days later.  I'd never been fired before, and on all the progesterone and hormones from IVF, I took it hard.  That stupid job was the only thing keeping me from going to that dark place that I feel looms now.  

I've had five IVFs and one FET now.  One miscarriage.  No baby.  Anything I write after this will be me trying to pick up the pieces to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.