The pain of hope.

My scan sucked.  A really small gestational sac, a really small yolk sac, no baby.  By this time, people are seeing heartbeats. 

I asked the doc if this meant there was no baby (Obviously, there wasn't a baby onscreen, but of course, I'm totally illogical right now).  He answered by saying, "Let’s just check the HCG number again."  He's being nice, trying to let me down easy, but I left there knowing I was out.  My body just doesn't know it's not pregnant.

I had to go back to work, so cried in my car for 5 minutes, dried my tears and toughed it out.  The time went so slow.  On the one hand, I was totally miserable.  On the other hand, it's good I was busy.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  When I got home, the tears and agony hit me hard.  My heart is broken.  It’s been broken before and it’s broken again before even healing from the last time.  I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  My symptoms have dissipated between yesterday and today.  Seeing the ultrasound shocked me back into reality, where I am no longer taking seriously any of my symptoms.  I'm a moron.  

So I was seriously depressed today.  I took a pregnancy test on an E.P.T. Digital, the ones that say "pregnant," then I took a picture of it.  This woman's kind of scary.  My thoughts kept drifting to a faceless beautiful child, a combination of me and my husband, whom I will never meet.  A chill went up my belly and down my spine. Thank God I'm working.  I would've drank myself comatose if I'd been at home, and I don't even drink.

I sent my doctor's office a note about 1:00 pm, explaining that I'm waiting to miscarry, totally distraught, and asked if they could write me a doctor’s excuse for my class tonight.  When they got back to me, I was surprised to learn that my HCG level had risen to 4663.  I had been certain that it had stayed around 2000 or dropped.  It's all so crazy.  I have felt less pregnant than ever but my number's higher than ever.  "The doctor wants you to continue with your meds and come back for another ultrasound next week..."  I immediately felt guilty for my consumption during the day.

I ate nothing but crap all day thinking all hope was lost: four doughnuts, a Big Mac, large fries, and a strong cup of coffee.  I wanted to pound myself.  I even masturbated last night.  TMI but I haven’t had sex in six weeks now and seeing my ultrasound was enough to put me over the edge in every possible way.  Only God's grace can save us. We didn't see a baby.  There wasn't one.  So, do I continue to hold on to hope and have my heart broken over again next week?  Maybe  4663 and the pain of hope is all I have right now, it's all I may ever have of our baby.  

Surrender

Yesterday I spent all day on the computer looking for any iota of hope that I could carry this child.  I was emotionally worn out by bedtime - feelings of grief and fear gripped me, as well as the disappointment I would have to share with my husband that my numbers weren't good.  I went to bed sad.  Before waking, I had a dream I was talking to God and my baby.  I gave my baby to God and submitted to His will.  I felt that I really let go.  When I woke up, I had my hand on my belly and believed that she was still alive and I was talking to her, telling her she could stay, that we wanted her.  I don’t know everything that happened in my dream, but I was at peace when I woke up and had a great morning.  Hubby got me doughnuts again, just like yesterday.  I took my progesterone shot around 11:30 a.m.  Started feeling nauseous about 1pm, totally bloated after lunch at 3:00 p.m.  My uterus has felt heavy since I woke up but no bleeding.  On to another big week.

Sixth Beta - 7 weeks

My HCG  a week from last Friday (874) was a measly 2052.  Didn't even double in 96 hours, let alone 72 or 48.

I waited a week to test again because I had started a new job and didn't want to be a mess at work all week.  Now, I have the weekend to deal with my emotions.

They are thinking ectopic, but I have no pain, bleeding, or cramps, just pregnancy symptoms.  My nausea has become more pronounced in a week, but I'm no dummy.  I have to figure out how I will accept life without baby.

Fifth Beta - 874

874 is not good.  I started my sixth week yesterday.  It was already low but should've been at least 1600 today.  They gave me four days to increase (Monday it was 404) until this morning (Friday), so it's behind by one doubling and should be around 1600, even though that's still low.

It's heart wrenching to hear this news, but it's not over yet.

When I get news like this, I feel a chill come over me.  It's so scary.  Of course, I got the insensitive nurse again.  She has no idea she's being insensitive, just doing her job, but I kind of jumped on her.  When I picked up the phone, she announced herself, then says, "Your number didn't double, so the doctor wants you to come back again on Monday for more blood...  [I'm thinking ... HELLOooooo.  What the fuck's the number?]  She's going on and on with her insensitive monologue, asking me if I feel nauseous [to which I say, "Yes, I'm pregnant."].  She means violently nauseous.  Asked me if my shoulder hurt.  All this crap... but still ... no number.  I kind of jumped on her at that point, "What's the number please?"  She says, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's 874."  By her miserable tone of voice, I thought the number was 450 or something.  I said, "Well that's what people usually want to know first is the number.  They can pretty  much figure out whether it doubled or not," to which she agreed.

I got off the phone and immediately felt more nauseous than before her call, at which point I emailed her.  I told her to please not call anymore, just to send me the numbers by email - and only - the numbers, unless there were further instructions from the doctor.  I explained it was my hormones, which it is.  (I can't be mad at the poor woman because things aren't going my way.  It's really not okay.)  I wish this whole process didn't make me so crazy.  It's like I'm someone else and feel like my brain is on amphetamines and my body on opiates.  When the slightest change happens on Groundhog day, all hell breaks loose.

I really need to trust Him and should probably stay off of the computer until Monday.

22dp6dt (6 wks) - the day before beta no. 5

They offered me the job today.  Pretty amazing.  I don't know what God's doing in my life.  Tomorrow I go in for my fifth blood test at the clinic.  Not only that, my instructor cancelled our scheduled class for tonight, so I have the whole day to not study and do anything I want.  Totally what I needed.  Woo! Woo!

I'm excited about the job.  My life's been all about infertility for the past five years, was even fired from my former job for taking two days off to recover from IVF.  Soon, this chapter of my life will be over, whether I am successful at conceiving or whether I am not.

No symptoms again this morning.  A little heaviness in the uterus about 1pm. Ate like a pig around 4pm - double burger and a shake.  As I sat waiting for my shake and watching people through the glass of the ice cream shop, I realized that this is one of the happiest days of my life.

21dp6dt - 5 weeks, 6 days

My fifth beta is on Friday, so my relief over the 404 number on Monday is morphing into a little paranoia and worry as Friday gets closer.  I've been doing way too much searching online for bullshit. It's like I have to read every story that's remotely similar to mine only to make myself crazier.  I haven't felt this out of control since the last time I did IVF.  In fact, I've been crazy each and every time I've done this.

Today, for example - really, every day - I wake up not feeling pregnant.  Little to no sore boobs, no nausea, and an almost flat stomach and midsection.  Every day about 5:00 p.m., nausea sets in, I'm tired, a little irritable, and confused about what to eat for dinner.  I will swear when I wake up that something's wrong, and I'll probably do it again tomorrow.

It's really just the numbers that have me messed up.  I feel like my doctor is having conversations with the nurses about what he thinks but hasn't called me because he doubts it's going to work out.  At the same time, I'm afraid to call him and hear doubt in his voice so feel I'm better off waiting around like everybody else.

Beta Result No. 4 - Number a little more than doubled again but still low

HCG today was 404.  P2 about 55.  Happy and freaked out. I keep thinking the number rising is going to make me feel better.  I feel relief for a split second then worried about the number all over again.  It's not unheard of that my numbers are low, but I'm so high risk that the numbers are a huge issue.  I quote the youngest nurse, "Doctor said we will be monitoring you VERY closely."  It's all about making it to an ultrasound with a heartbeat.  My eggs were age 44 when they were frozen, and I'm 46 now.

For a person who's losing her mind, I'm okay.  I’d like to talk to the doctor, but I’m afraid.  Yet, I don’t care for Nurse Ellen because she sounds so detached - like one of those nasally wenches who knows she has the power to break you with the most subtle change in her tone of voice.  Today, she sounded so disinterested, when we both know this is a promising development, considering my case.  Her personality just comes off phony.  I know I shouldn't judge her, but she gets under my skin.  I feel small when she calls me.  I don't feel small when anyone else from the office calls me.  Maybe she's going through something hideous in her own life and that's the best she can do.  I must accept that I’m self-obsessed right now and try to go easy on people.  God’s in charge.  I also recognize that I'm interchangeably nuts one minute and spiritual the next, which is the best I can do.


My symptoms today are more nausea earlier in the day. My chest size has gone from 36.5 to 39 in three weeks.  My eyes are tired, and I have a slight headache and general annoyance by how hot my body feels.  Laughter keeps me sane.  I watch a lot of America's Dumbest Criminals and Tosh.0 (who's an asshole but funny at times). I was told by my acupuncturist not to watch anything violent.  So far, I've done everything she's said.