Thoughts of a Frozen Brain

After/during and during/after a miscarriage (since it's not really over yet), I have had so many weird thoughts and become so guarded because of them. I was guarded before, but now, it's a mix of Planning, Fear, and Resentment. Planning for what?  It's NOT ME not to be sure.  FEAR OF EVERYTHING. Don't ask me when my birthday is.  Ever.  I will roll my eyes into my head and hiss.

RESENTMENT - at myself, my Body. And also, that I didn't plan better in my late 20s and 30s.

I should've been preparing myself for Mr. Right, but I was still trying to find myself.  I realize that isn't the scenario everyone should follow or CAN follow, but my Russian Roulette of a mind says that's my shit.  I had a part I'm sure.

At present, I'm pretty much for sure done or fucked in a way.  I've thought about this - like this is the stuff that wakes me up early in the morning.  I'm 46.  (tears now... ... ...).  I'm being selfish wanting to continue to pursue this.  This is the most haunting thought that I have.  The one that makes me burst into tears and hate myself.  How fucked am I, really?  I think of why, all the time, do I want a child.

I want to see the joy of myself on another's face.
I want to see the joy of my husband's face on another's face.
I want to feel the spiritual connection of myself to another human being that I have never known.
I want to shape and encourage the life of someone who doesn't know their way.
I want to feel more joy as an individual.
I want to know what it feels like to be a parent.

I think of why I shouldn't be a parent too, and it hurts.  There are many good reasons.

What happens if I die?  If my child is without a parent at 14, 16, even 21?
At that age, although I was an only child with a single parent (my mom), I was WILD, didn't know shit, and WITHOUT HER as my anchor, without a solid family network it would have been worse.  I barely made it out as it is.

It's only with prayer that I made it.  (I know this to be true, but my logical mind feels embarrassed about admitting that prayer saved my life countless times.  I have no doubt.  It's why I made it out of Hollywood, went to USC, married a doctor, and live in a resort community.).  I literally crawled out of Hollywood, frequenting places like Boys & Girls Club late night, Barney's Beanery from where I almost disappeared.  All over Hollywood the same scenario.  I shouldn't be alive.  I shouldn't be here.

Prayer and the PEOPLE who prayed got me through the worst times ALL of my immature life to where I am now.  Now, I want it all.  Am I asking too much?  I have never deserved anything.

I can almost move on

Today, I started to miscarry.  I would normally go silent for a bunch of months, crawl back into my hole, but I need to remember this to appreciate the happiness I plan to feel one day - when my body is right and my mind is free from grief.

Work was a complete blast.  We're interviewing First Year Associates and I've been doing everything from my own work of writing assignments and insane litigation management to making airline and hotel reservations for college kids, guiding them through the firm to meet attorneys all day - all with a smile - while large clots run out of me, changing my pad every 40 minutes, and sharp cramps shoot from my anus and uterus while I hold my breath.  The shit we have to suck up to blend in while trying to get pregnant, to conceal all that goes right or wrong, is hideous.

I finally got a break to call my doc and picked up my prescription after work.  He prescribed Norco 5/325.  I took two and NOTHING - didn't even take the edge off the sharp pain, so I took one more two hours later and four Ibuprofrin.  I finally feel better.

In spite of all this, I still had one of the happiest days of my life during my brief term of pregnancy - 10 weeks, when you calculate the 6-day frozen embryo transfer and the two weeks automatically added in early pregnancy.  The elation of knowing I was carrying my own child was the closest I've ever felt to God.  I'm not ready to give up yet.

This weekend I'll start seeing a therapist to discuss donated eggs.  I don't know if I can take this path, and in fact wake up in the middle of the night terrified about the idea, but I'm more open now.  I can't keep going through this.

The pain of hope.

My scan sucked.  A really small gestational sac, a really small yolk sac, no baby.  By this time, people are seeing heartbeats. 

I asked the doc if this meant there was no baby (Obviously, there wasn't a baby onscreen, but of course, I'm totally illogical right now).  He answered by saying, "Let’s just check the HCG number again."  He's being nice, trying to let me down easy, but I left there knowing I was out.  My body just doesn't know it's not pregnant.

I had to go back to work, so cried in my car for 5 minutes, dried my tears and toughed it out.  The time went so slow.  On the one hand, I was totally miserable.  On the other hand, it's good I was busy.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  When I got home, the tears and agony hit me hard.  My heart is broken.  It’s been broken before and it’s broken again before even healing from the last time.  I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  My symptoms have dissipated between yesterday and today.  Seeing the ultrasound shocked me back into reality, where I am no longer taking seriously any of my symptoms.  I'm a moron.  

So I was seriously depressed today.  I took a pregnancy test on an E.P.T. Digital, the ones that say "pregnant," then I took a picture of it.  This woman's kind of scary.  My thoughts kept drifting to a faceless beautiful child, a combination of me and my husband, whom I will never meet.  A chill went up my belly and down my spine. Thank God I'm working.  I would've drank myself comatose if I'd been at home, and I don't even drink.

I sent my doctor's office a note about 1:00 pm, explaining that I'm waiting to miscarry, totally distraught, and asked if they could write me a doctor’s excuse for my class tonight.  When they got back to me, I was surprised to learn that my HCG level had risen to 4663.  I had been certain that it had stayed around 2000 or dropped.  It's all so crazy.  I have felt less pregnant than ever but my number's higher than ever.  "The doctor wants you to continue with your meds and come back for another ultrasound next week..."  I immediately felt guilty for my consumption during the day.

I ate nothing but crap all day thinking all hope was lost: four doughnuts, a Big Mac, large fries, and a strong cup of coffee.  I wanted to pound myself.  I even masturbated last night.  TMI but I haven’t had sex in six weeks now and seeing my ultrasound was enough to put me over the edge in every possible way.  Only God's grace can save us. We didn't see a baby.  There wasn't one.  So, do I continue to hold on to hope and have my heart broken over again next week?  Maybe  4663 and the pain of hope is all I have right now, it's all I may ever have of our baby.  

Surrender

Yesterday I spent all day on the computer looking for any iota of hope that I could carry this child.  I was emotionally worn out by bedtime - feelings of grief and fear gripped me, as well as the disappointment I would have to share with my husband that my numbers weren't good.  I went to bed sad.  Before waking, I had a dream I was talking to God and my baby.  I gave my baby to God and submitted to His will.  I felt that I really let go.  When I woke up, I had my hand on my belly and believed that she was still alive and I was talking to her, telling her she could stay, that we wanted her.  I don’t know everything that happened in my dream, but I was at peace when I woke up and had a great morning.  Hubby got me doughnuts again, just like yesterday.  I took my progesterone shot around 11:30 a.m.  Started feeling nauseous about 1pm, totally bloated after lunch at 3:00 p.m.  My uterus has felt heavy since I woke up but no bleeding.  On to another big week.

Sixth Beta - 7 weeks

My HCG  a week from last Friday (874) was a measly 2052.  Didn't even double in 96 hours, let alone 72 or 48.

I waited a week to test again because I had started a new job and didn't want to be a mess at work all week.  Now, I have the weekend to deal with my emotions.

They are thinking ectopic, but I have no pain, bleeding, or cramps, just pregnancy symptoms.  My nausea has become more pronounced in a week, but I'm no dummy.  I have to figure out how I will accept life without baby.

Fifth Beta - 874

874 is not good.  I started my sixth week yesterday.  It was already low but should've been at least 1600 today.  They gave me four days to increase (Monday it was 404) until this morning (Friday), so it's behind by one doubling and should be around 1600, even though that's still low.

It's heart wrenching to hear this news, but it's not over yet.

When I get news like this, I feel a chill come over me.  It's so scary.  Of course, I got the insensitive nurse again.  She has no idea she's being insensitive, just doing her job, but I kind of jumped on her.  When I picked up the phone, she announced herself, then says, "Your number didn't double, so the doctor wants you to come back again on Monday for more blood...  [I'm thinking ... HELLOooooo.  What the fuck's the number?]  She's going on and on with her insensitive monologue, asking me if I feel nauseous [to which I say, "Yes, I'm pregnant."].  She means violently nauseous.  Asked me if my shoulder hurt.  All this crap... but still ... no number.  I kind of jumped on her at that point, "What's the number please?"  She says, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's 874."  By her miserable tone of voice, I thought the number was 450 or something.  I said, "Well that's what people usually want to know first is the number.  They can pretty  much figure out whether it doubled or not," to which she agreed.

I got off the phone and immediately felt more nauseous than before her call, at which point I emailed her.  I told her to please not call anymore, just to send me the numbers by email - and only - the numbers, unless there were further instructions from the doctor.  I explained it was my hormones, which it is.  (I can't be mad at the poor woman because things aren't going my way.  It's really not okay.)  I wish this whole process didn't make me so crazy.  It's like I'm someone else and feel like my brain is on amphetamines and my body on opiates.  When the slightest change happens on Groundhog day, all hell breaks loose.

I really need to trust Him and should probably stay off of the computer until Monday.

22dp6dt (6 wks) - the day before beta no. 5

They offered me the job today.  Pretty amazing.  I don't know what God's doing in my life.  Tomorrow I go in for my fifth blood test at the clinic.  Not only that, my instructor cancelled our scheduled class for tonight, so I have the whole day to not study and do anything I want.  Totally what I needed.  Woo! Woo!

I'm excited about the job.  My life's been all about infertility for the past five years, was even fired from my former job for taking two days off to recover from IVF.  Soon, this chapter of my life will be over, whether I am successful at conceiving or whether I am not.

No symptoms again this morning.  A little heaviness in the uterus about 1pm. Ate like a pig around 4pm - double burger and a shake.  As I sat waiting for my shake and watching people through the glass of the ice cream shop, I realized that this is one of the happiest days of my life.